Woman Deals With Grappling Doubts About Husband's Incompetency and Exploitation, He Temporarily Improves Behavior To No Avail: ‘This time is different’

Author image for Lana DeGaetano
Lana DeGaetano • "Show me to me please."
Jul 28, 2024 8:00 PM EDT

"I have given half of my life to this relationship and I refuse to have these feelings for the rest of my life."

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  • How many times is too many times? That's the question we're here to ponder today. When you've been with a significant other for a long amount of time, it can be difficult to just up and leave. You've built a life together; you share a cozy home, a nice golden retriever maybe, and perfect children. Others would argue that's all you need to feel fulfilled and content. Relationships have rocky periods, that's a given — but when rocky periods turn into rocky eras, rocky “all-the-times” — you must step back and analyze why you're fighting so hard for something that just isn't working anymore. Where do we find the power to leave? Does it exist? I'm here to tell you that nothing is worth drastically sacrificing your own happiness every day. Yes, that includes your significant other.

    The woman in this story has been with her husband for 16 years and expresses that he's always had issues with self-centeredness and less-than-polite behavior. She is the sole caretaker of her three children while her husband avoids household and child responsibilities. She mentions that he relies on his parents in excess and leaves during the weekend to hang out with his friends (instead of helping his wife). He consistently berates her and the children, keeps his finances separate from hers, and hounds her for extra cash when needed, despite making “3x more” than his wife. There have been accusations of cheating thrown around by him, and she is just kind of over it. I would be too. Not that she needs much encouragement, but after an almost 100% sure decision to leave him and prioritize her happiness, people online are rooting for her, too.

  • 01
    Am I overreacting or should I leave my husband?
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  • 02
    I have been going back and forth on this for a couple of months now and keep second guessing myself, so I need some unbiased opinions.
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  • 03
    My husband and I have known each other for almost 20 years and have been together for 16 of those years. Throughout that time, he has always had some
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  • 04
    issues with being self centered and making mean/ comments to me, but since we were 15 when we got together I never thought too much about it.
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  • 05
    Fast forward 16 years and we are now married for 9 years with 3 kids. Lately, my mental health has taken a dive and I have gone into a deep 1. I started to realize that my marriage may be the cause for a lot of this.
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  • 06
    I am the soul caretaker for our 3 young children and my husband is very accustomed to relying on others, mainly his parents, to pick up the slack for him. He always goes golfing or to hang out with his buddies on weekends while I am left to handle the kids or make arrangements for them. This caused a lot of stress for me.
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  • 07
    On top of that, he has always had trouble with lying about his money situation and gets very defensive when I talk about taking over our finances. All of our money has always been
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  • 08
    separate and he prioritizes paying off his own debt over anything else. Even though he makes 3x more than I do, he is always broke and asking me to cover extra expenses. So once again, I am also responsible for most of the kids' expenses including daycare.
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  • 09
    He is constantly saying things and talking down to me and the kids in public. When I call him out on this, he says he doesn't realize he's doing it or
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    denies being and apologizes, but he still does it. He constantly complains about our kids and calls them names, even though he spends so little time with them.
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  • 11
    He is great when it comes to looking out for his friends, but he acts like the kids and I are an inconvenience. As of late, all of this has really become more noticeable for me and I have come to realize how manipulative he is and always has been.
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  • 12
    I did tell him a week ago that I want to separate, but since then we have continued to live together and went on a trip. I couldn't cancel the trip because
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    we had others coming with us and felt bad for cancelling at the last minute. He spent the whole trip buying anything I needed/wanted and saying how hard he'll work to prove that he doesn't want to lose me.
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  • 14
    He has done this in the past when I've brought up how depressed I was. He will overcompensate by doing everything that he should've been doing already and then I
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    forgive him and forget about leaving. He has been cleaning the house and taking care of our 2 kids that are home during the day so I can work, then he goes to work at night so I am with the
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    kids myself. This has not been the case up until a couple weeks ago, so it is only because he finally realized how depressed I was. This is where I usually forgive and forget. This time is different.
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  • 17
    We have had these same issues for so long, I have completely lost trust in him and his ability to stick to his word, especially when it comes to money. I am at the point where I have considered taking my own life over dealing with his manipulation to get me to stay with him.
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  • 18
    I don't want to look back and be in the same situation 20 years from now, since we seem to get back in this same place so often. We are constantly in the same bad financial situation every year because of his overspending and manipulation to get me to take over more bills when his debt gets too bad to handle.
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  • 19
    He has also accused me of cheating several times while I was in the midst of post partum and never leaving the house. When I do get to go see my friends, he constantly calls me and sends me snapchats to see my location (he has never said he does that to check my location, but I know that's why he does)
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  • 20
    I only have 2 of my own friends because he isolated from all of my friends when we were younger and ensured that I hung out with him and his friends constantly. I love our friends, but I also know that if I leave him I will most likely lose them as well since most of them grew up with him.
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  • 21
    This is a lot, but I feel like I've been gaslit for so long that I now just do it to myself. I have given half of my life to this relationship and I refuse to have these feelings for the rest of my life.
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  • 22
    enkilekee 16h ago . Make the change now. DO NOT teach your children this is OK. It's not. The sooner you leave, the better
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  • 23
    doinUdirty1069 • 17h ago NOT OVERREACTING need to set him down and have a serious talk about your feelings and the financial situation don't let him gaslight you he accused you of cheating because he probably is and if you look. into the finances you'll probably find out
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  • 24
    BlackSpinelli • 16h ago You're not overreacting. Being a single parent is hard, but it seems like you already are one and not only that he actively works against your mental health, making it even harder.
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  • 25
    You know the cycle. Manipulators do what they can to get you to stick around then go right back to their old ways once the coast is clear. He's done it to you time and time again. This time you need to remove yourself from his cycle. It seems it's time to leave mama. P.S. If som one constantly accuses you of cheating, usually it's projection.
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  • 26
    . Really_Cool_Dad · 16h ago He's sounds like a terrible partner and a subpar father. I wouldn't want my daughter with someone like that!
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  • 27
    Ok-Plant5194 • 15h ago Get out of there. Post this in r/legaladvice and see what they say. For the sake of you and your children, you need to leave him. You all deserve better.
    via Ok-Plant5194

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stay at home mom relationship advice aita toxic husband sahm mother wife lying motherhood reddit story relationships sneaky parenting husband babysitting chores reddit thread Reddit
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